“Boundaries” isn’t a Dirty Word
I often hear clients describe themselves as “exhausted.” At the end of the day, they feel depleted, and no amount of self-care, sleep, or vacation days can truly restore them. When I hear this, I typically ask questions related to health and depression. But more often than not, this is the experience of someone who struggles to create boundaries in their life.
What are emotional boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits we set in relationships in order to maintain our separate identities and honor our feelings. They are used to outline and define our emotional needs and set expectations for others. There are many different types of emotional boundaries a person can set, but ultimately they serve as guidelines for how we want to be treated. Establishing emotional boundaries allows us to understand and communicate our own feelings. We may decline an invitation, say ‘no’ to an ask, or speak up when something bothers us, for example. These are boundaries.
What happens when we don’t set boundaries?
We all have preferences and ideas of how we’d like to be treated. When we don’t speak up and communicate our boundaries in relationships, it can lead to resentment or anger. Suddenly we can find ourselves acting in ways that don’t feel true and authentic to us, or we can begin to focus more on the other person’s emotional needs rather than our own. It can create an imbalanced dynamic. This can be exhausting. It takes a lot of emotional energy to please others all of the time! However, when we do set healthy, firm, and gentle boundaries, we have the opportunity to build closer and more intimate relationships and advocate for what we need.
Why are boundaries often difficult to set?
Boundaries get a bad reputation. They are often viewed as “harsh” or “mean.” In fact, many of us struggle to create boundaries in relationships, because we fear upsetting or disappointing someone. Others may believe that if we don’t act in ways that please another person, we may even risk losing the relationship. This can feel scary! However, these reactions are often in response to earlier childhood experiences or dynamics. Boundaries can be gentle and loving. They can lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Therapy is a great place to identify our emotional needs, explore our deeper feelings and fears around the subject, and practice using them in real-time.
Consider this exercise:
Think about the upcoming weekend. How would you like to spend it? Are you committing to plans that don’t feel aligned with your needs? Are you doing something for someone else that doesn’t feel good to you? Or are you canceling all plans because you may feel guilty doing something else? Consider what it might be like to decline an invitation and prioritize what feels best. Notice what feelings this brings up!
